He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We are two peas in an std pod
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
