i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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