just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think i have two assholes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
