Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
