sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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