She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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