ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize