my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Drunk is not a location!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
