Someone shit on the floor
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
