giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
