I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
