My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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