i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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