i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize