i already hear my dad disowning me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
