Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
