My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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