Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
