Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
