mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
