you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
