I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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