and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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