Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You can't special order awesome
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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