I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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