i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
