Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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