cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
