If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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