peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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