That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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