I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
