she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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