oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
