I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
