he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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