It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
