I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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