Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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