I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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