It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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