In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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