I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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