You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
