it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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