I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
