pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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