Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
