Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
