Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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