i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
