they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
