matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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