He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
