I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
