I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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