Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
